Always the night

It’s no secret I’ve struggled (sometimes so hard i just couldn’t see the light) with depression for as long as my memory serves me. As early as 8/9 years old. Likely earlier. My biggest depressive struggle is being alone. Physically. Being without other human beings. Yes, I likely also suffer from abandonment issues. I cannot stand from inside out to be alone. 

Look, everyone including me needs time to be alone occasionally. Sure, I enjoy the times I go outside the home without my kids in tow. While I enjoy being with my husband 99% of the time, sometimes it’s just that I don’t want to talk. Fine. It’s my choosing, I decided I want to be without other humans. My choice. 

But then comes the night. Or what my mind believes is a trigger. This is a huge problem...my husband works the graveyard shift from 5pm-5am. Yup. 12 hours. 50% of our lifebl together spent being away from each other, at night. Evenings for us are dinners together at the table, silly family conversations, bubble baths, intimate moments spoken to each other, and truely enjoying our life together and just...enjoying each other. 

But half of the week (including weekends and holidays ya know) is spent feeling alone. Dinners, baths, and all that gets done just by myself. Just me. It ain’t easy with one spastic ADHD kid and another one that thinks she a grown ass women, at 5. I hate it. I’ve hated it everyday for the last 10 years. I wish I would just get over it but that’s just not happening and never will. I try to remember this job makes it possible to have this home, to take our first family vacation to our fave place; Fort Myers Beach, and it’s enabled us to help our son with our excellent medical benefits. But the nights...I just hate them. 

Seems no matter what I do; hobbies, watch movies, whatever...at some point in the night I just can’t anymore. Being alone means I have no one to talk to. It means there’s no one there to distract me. So my mind it just wont stop can’t stop. I feel sadness most of the night. For no one real reason. I just get lost in my thoughts, my stresses, and I just sit there. Sometimes I manage to just go the fuck to sleep. Mostly i stay up entirely too late and hate myself the morning, when I have to do it all over again.